The Itty Bitty Ditty Committee

by Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction

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1.
Ooh I wanna lay down in a field and stare up at the clouds. And then freak out when a bug lands on my arm. Because I'm laying down in a dirt field like a damn savage. It's time to go back inside Lay down on my couch And look at pictures of clouds on my phone.
2.
The flames are all gone The pool of souls is quiet. The lava falls have stopped And Satan's got a jacket on. Cuz Hell has frozen over. There's ice on the acid sea. So now will you go out with me?
3.
All we need is love All we need is love and oxygen.... and wifi... and coffee... and a cell phone... with Netflix... microwave... Yes, all we need is love.
4.
The day after Christmas is bittersweet. All cleanup, leftovers, and grownup hangovers. But at least you can start exchanging gifts for what you actually want.
5.
Old Havana 00:40
I sat at the bar in Old Havana. Next to a man who had seen some years. I asked what wisdom he had to bestow and told him I'd lend him my ears. And he said <mumble> And I said, "Yeah, right?" and moved 2 bar stools down.
6.
Greatness 00:30
Shakespeare once said "Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon ’em." I tried to tell this to my girlfriend in bed last night. She said 'I don't want your greatness, So stop thrusting it upon me.'
7.
We're rollin' along on the pioneer trail. Headed west to thrive no doubt. Gonna set up up a homestead, our holy grail. Then get a burger at In n' Out.
8.
Show your work said the teacher, show your work. In my classroom that's the law. So I screwed up my face and sweat quite a bit While I tried to undo her bra.
9.
Witch Doctor 00:17
I once knew an old witch doctor Who offered a crazy internship
10.
If you put peanut butter on the roof of my mouth I look like a dog who looks like it's talking. And if you put it with some jelly between some bread, I'll look like man who's about to take a nap.
11.
Lumpy 00:31
Lumpy lumpy, I like my mashed potatoes lumpy lumpy I like my ladies kinda frumpy frumpy I like my roads kinda bumpy bumpy I like my dwarves kinda grumpy grumpy I like my trucks kinda dumpy dumpy I like my eggs kinda Humpty Dumpty I'm wearing boots that are clumpy clumpy PTSD makes you jumpy jumpy Wrote a song we called rumpy rumpy Parapalegics are all stumpy stumpy That's all the rhymes for lumpy lumpy
12.
Sex Doll 00:23
If you should ever leave me, I don't know what I'd do. Except for buy a sex doll That looks like you
13.
Lobby Waffle 00:25
There's nothing like a lobby waffle on a chilly morning. With strangers you'll never see again. Though I understand that they can't help but notice.. The negligee I'm wearing's pretty thin.
14.
Let's go to the beach! Let's go to the beach! And let the sun slowly kill us. Nearly drown in a riptide. Let's go to the beach! Let's go to the beach! You'll get a jellyfish sting And I'll pee on your leg. Let's stay in the house! Let's stay in the house! It's really much safer plus we always have Netflix. And I can still pee on your leg.
15.
Oh what a night we had. The food and the dancing. The drinks and romancing. Oh what night we had. Strolling under the moonlight. I'm so glad that you don't bite. Everyone's got you wrong. You're just big and shy and strong. I think I may stay put After my date with Bigfoot.
16.
Wisdom 01:22
A child came to me and said, Tell me your wisdom old man. I said, I'm not that old you little bastard. The secret to life is to live your truth Tell your tale and let no one else tell you how to feel. And that child turned to me and said, "Ok, I hate Jews." Whoa! Whoa!, I said. "Keep that shit to yourself. Here's some new advice. Stay off 4Chan and Infowars. Read some real books. Nothing by Dinesh D'Souza. - Every voice should be heard and every voice respected. And I asked him "Do you like black people?" He said, "Sure, some of them. Louis Farrakhan hates Jews too."
17.
Tree Hugger 00:16
Be a tree hugger Not a tree humper. Cuz a squirrel might nibble your nuts.
18.
Sweat Pants 00:35
She wore six inch stiletto heels and a tight ass miniskirt. And I looked at her and thought ooh damn! That looks like it kinda hurts. Put on some sweat pants. Sweat pants and fuzzy slippers. Put on some sweat pants. They still fit tight and your butt still looks nice But you won't have to walk like you're walking on ice. Sweat pants!
19.
DNA Test 00:28
Swab your cheek, swab your cheek! Get your bodily critique. DNA, it's quite a twister. Just found out my wife's my sister. Pulled apart just after birth, Opposite ends of the Earth. But we maybe should have known Since we met at the family reunion.
20.
How many times have you looked in the mirror To find a total stranger looking back at you. The years have lined his face and added gray to his hair. Cuz it's the ghost of a Civil War general And you should get the hell, get the hell out of there.
21.
Help Someone 00:17
Who needs your help today? Who needs you in the baddest way? Do something for someone else, You selfish bastard.
22.
In a bank I saw businessman And he looked so sad. Like all the money in the world Couldn't fill the hole in his heart. Then I saw him climb into a brand new Ferrari Hot girl by his side. And I thought "Nah, fuck that guy." "Nah, fuck that guy." Fuck that guy.
23.
Gunslinger 00:32
In 1885 a gunslinger pulled his pistol at high noon On a foe saying there was nothing to discuss. He fixed his steely gaze on the man who meant to stay and said There ain't enough room in this shower for both of us.
24.
We're being boarded by pirates! We're being boarded by pirates! Wait, what? Sorry. We're being bored by pirates. We're being bored by pirates Not a single sword fight. Just discussion of Thus Spoke Zarathustra by Nietzsche.
25.
Left Hand 00:10
The left hand knows not what the right hand does. And that's good Because it's probably illegal or gross.
26.
The dragon was ready to turn in for the night. He cuddled up in bed and blew out the candle. And then blew out the candle. And then blew out the candle. And then blew out the candle. And soon the sun came up And he realized he hadn't gotten any sleep. So he burned down a village.
27.
I got a dentist appointment. Eating hella Oreos for breakfast. I got a dentist appointment. Eating hella Oreos for breakfast. When I say "ahh" he's gonna say "argh!" Cuz he's gotta clean out my darkened maw I got a dentist appointment. Eating hella Oreos for breakfast.
28.
A little boy ran down the beach With his kite up high above him. And everyone took joy in watching his good time. And as he stared up at the sky he tripped on a piece of driftwood. A faceplant in the sand that was way more fun to watch.
29.
She set my heart on fire She set my heart on fire And I can't get off the floor To let the EMTs in the door Cuz she stabbed me in the chest With a BBQ lighter.
30.
Hidden Stash 00:51
He had a hidden stash underneath the floorboards In the back room of the house. He knew his family would shun him If they ever found him out. But when the whole family's doing Keto And brussels sprouts fill you with dread. Then under the floorboards in the back of the house Is where you keep your bread.
31.
Scary Story 00:29
Don't go in the woods after dark. There's an ghost with a flaming chainsaw. His pet is a dangerous shark. I know we're on land, but just go with it. And kids that go into the woods will be cut up and eaten And fed to the wolves. And when I told this story to a group of young kids they said. Yeah, we weren't going outside anyway. Can we watch Netflix?
32.
Buttons 00:38
Push the button Which button I don't know Push all the buttons Now I'm dead. Now I'm dead. And that's how I play video games.
33.
Hitchhiker 00:49
She had her thumb out on the side the road. Tight pair of jeans and a cowboy hat. She spit her gum out and as my car slowed. She smiled real big and grabbed her pack. I rolled down the window and she leaned in and said "Thanks for stopping, friend." I said, "Your sign says 'south' but you're standing in a north bound lane. Maybe if you learned a little geography, One day you could own a car like me." And then I left.

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33 songs in 17 minutes! Funny little musical vignettes for the short attention span generation.

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released April 8, 2021

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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more

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