Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot
by Phil Johnson of Roadside Attraction
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Digital Album
Streaming + DownloadIncludes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
Phil's 2nd comedy special!
You also get my newest ebook "Short Stories and Chicken Recipes".Purchasable with gift card -
T-Shirt/Apparel + Digital AlbumHigh quality t-shirts that say "Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot". Tell the world how you really feel!
Comes in Small-XXXL and in four colors: Black, Gray, Heather Red, Blue.
Click the "Include a message" link in the purchase box to let me know what color you'd like or I'll be happy to pick one for you.
Includes unlimited streaming of Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.ships out within 7 days$15 USD
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Phil's Newest Stand-Up Comedy DVD!
* An hour of comedy and music including special bonus extra songs and jokes, a Q&A with Phil, and the Mystery Of The Red Shirt revealed!
* Free audio CD included
* Completely new material
* Widescreen format.
Includes unlimited streaming of Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.ships out within 7 days$20 USD or more
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Full Digital Discography Full Digital Discography
Get all 46 Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Designer Babies, Do You Believe In Tragic?, Kitties and Boobs, Dodged A Bullet, Kissing In The Rain (2022 Remaster), Happiest Place On Earth, I'm Not Really In The Christmas Mood This Year (feat. Dave Leon), Burning Sensation: The San Diego Bootleg, and 38 more.
Purchasable with gift card$56.13 USD or more (35% OFF)
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1. |
Introduction
00:18
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2. |
Budget Pimp
00:39
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3. |
Commited To A Look
02:42
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4. |
Gangsta Pooh
01:28
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5. |
Military Base
00:31
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6. |
State Hats
01:09
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7. |
Sign Swingers
07:49
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8. |
Carbon Fiber Cup
00:40
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9. |
Truck Nuts
05:19
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10. |
Hairless
00:46
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11. |
Robots
00:40
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12. |
Gay Childrens books
01:53
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13. |
Chinese Food
04:06
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14. |
Bad Porno Sex
04:48
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Baby we got a love life
To shame all others
You and me go great together
Like chocolate and peanut butter
But baby let's flip the script
Change it up a little bit
Let's have bad porno sex
I'll leave my socks on for you
Bad porno sex
Wacka chuka wacka chuckety choo
Bad porno sex will have you wrapped around my fingers
Like a teenage runaway
Banging a homely middle aged dude
For money
You'll be my lady
I'll be your overly hairy man
You are my baby
I'll give you some bad meat in the can
You'll have a spray on tan
Let's have bad porno sex
I'll cut a hole in the pizza box
Bad porno sex
Wacka chuka when the pizza boy knocks
Bad porno sex in a nondescript hotel room
You're a straight F college girl
I'm a morally ambiguous
Professor
Let's pretend that you just got some really bad plastic boobs
Nipples that point in the wrong direction get me harder than a Rubik's Cube
You be the housewife and I'll be the plumber that snakes your drain
Let's have bad porno sex
We'll flop around til our interest wanes
Bad porno sex
At least the sheets won't have any stains
Bad porno sex will leave us both unsatisfied
Which really only means we'll have to do it again
But after South Park
Cuz baby I don't miss my South Park
For nothing
Yeah I really like when little Cartman goes "Hey, Screw you guys!"
I really think that's funny
And right now that's more entertaining
Than your vagina
But when Kenny's dead I'll bend you over
For some bad porno sex
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15. |
Five and Below
02:59
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I saw a lady by the bar
Didn't look so bad
She only had one eye
Baby that's my bag
I never know what I'm gonna get
Might get lucky and get a hairlip
Yeah her hair is held up with a roach clip
Damn that's classy
I like 'em five and below
Get 'em drunk and they're good to go
Back at my place it's time to show
What a two can do for you
I spot a little hottie with her leg in a cast
I think I got a chance cuz she can't run that fast v
What do you know, she's drunk too
She might not even wake up before I'm through
A little snoring won't keep me from what I do
Oh hell yeah
I like 'em five and below
Like a fifty cent stripper show
I'll do you then quid pro quo
Was that word too big for you?
Let me show you what a two
What a two can do for you
Ooh baby, that moo-moo's hot
You'll get your turn if you play my flop
I don't care if you're covered in spots
The bartender wants to go home
I like 'em five and below
I like a girl who does the hammer throw
A hairy back makes my hammer grow
Just as long as she ain't a dude
Let me show you what a two
What a two can do for you
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16. |
Geeks Don't Care
03:57
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You don't have to be anorexic like a teenage pop star
And it's totally cool if you've got some scars
If you want to be sure that you'll wed
Play the Imperial March when he comes to bed
He'll be the world's most perfect suitor
When he sees the tattoo of Captain Kirk on your hooters
With a geek buy your side
Even if your butt is wide
You can roll with pride through the Ren Faire
With a geek you'll be fine
You can look like Frankenstein
He will not decline
You're the answer to his prayers
Cuz geeks don't care
If you dress like slave girl Princess Leia
There's a really good chance that he'll wanna lay ya
On a king size bed with Harry Potter sheets
Call him Lord Vader when he skeet skeet skeets
Always tell him that he's your guitar here
You'll be his final fantasy
With a geek you’ll be glad
Cuz baldness ain’t so bad
Sigourney Weaver looked totally rad
In Alien with no hair
Cuz geeks don’t care.
With a geek you’ll be on track
Even with your hairy back
He’ll supply you with what you lack
A lifetime supply of Nair.
He’s a five, you’re a five
Together you’re a ten
Some hot geek love
Is set to begin
With a geek you’ll be hot
It’s just a little jungle rot
Just flash a little coin slot
And he’ll forget it’s there
With a geek life is good
If you’re breathing he’ll get wood
Lepers are misunderstood
You’re just a crusty teddy bear
Cuz geeks don’t care.
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17. |
Buy My Shit
03:15
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You've been a wonderful wonderful crowd
The kind that makes a performer's heart just sing
We've had laughter, we've had tears
We faced down all of our fears
So I only need to say this one last thing
Buy my shit
I've got CDs and t-shirts, DVDs and panties
You can wear my face in all your nooks and crannies
Buy my shit
I've got mouse pads and mugs
I can even get you drugs
Like aspirin and immodium
Please just buy a modicum
of my shit
It's not the kind that comes from a butt
It's more like my blood, sweat, tears, and guts
If you say no I'll say tut tut tut
I bet you'd rather buy some stupid Phil Johnson truck nuts
Buy my shit
If you're here on a date and you're courting a young maid
It's safe than the beer, it'll still get you laid
Buy my shit
It's got super magic powers
It makes money grow on trees
It'll make you rich and famous
Oh no wait, that's me
Buy my shit
You'll have fun
It's not a joke
I've got a gun
It's the cure for gout, crabs, heart disease, and zits
Because I can't be funny if I've got no money
Buy my shit
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about
Being human is a constant struggle between defining ourselves as individuals and trying to fit in with “the group”...
Phil Johnson, who has appeared at the Sundance Film Festival and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, uses comedy and music to dissect that dilemma in both his own life and others.
In pieces like “Vertical Eyebrows”, “Gangsta Pooh”, and “State Hats” Phil discusses the challenges and rewards of being different and proud of it. Though sometimes people misplace their self-worth into meaningless objects like in “Truck Nuts”.
But we also have to be concerned with how we relate to the thoughts and feelings of others around us. From dealing with new social issues (“Robots” and “Gay Children’s Books”) to keeping the relationship fire alive (“Bad Porno Sex” and “Geeks Don’t Care”).
Phil Johnson, like everyone else, sometimes gets it and sometimes wonders what the heck people are thinking. On stage his playful humor and likeable, endearing manner allow him to shake things up without antagonizing the audience. In the end we can only be who we are, try to understand others, and hope they understand us.
Phil Johnson, who has appeared at the Sundance Film Festival and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, uses comedy and music to dissect that dilemma in both his own life and others.
In pieces like “Vertical Eyebrows”, “Gangsta Pooh”, and “State Hats” Phil discusses the challenges and rewards of being different and proud of it. Though sometimes people misplace their self-worth into meaningless objects like in “Truck Nuts”.
But we also have to be concerned with how we relate to the thoughts and feelings of others around us. From dealing with new social issues (“Robots” and “Gay Children’s Books”) to keeping the relationship fire alive (“Bad Porno Sex” and “Geeks Don’t Care”).
Phil Johnson, like everyone else, sometimes gets it and sometimes wonders what the heck people are thinking. On stage his playful humor and likeable, endearing manner allow him to shake things up without antagonizing the audience. In the end we can only be who we are, try to understand others, and hope they understand us.
credits
released August 25, 2010
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about
Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas
Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more
shows
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Dec 02Santa Rosa, CA
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Dec 06Sunnyvale, CA
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Dec 08Napa, CA
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Dec 15Oakland, CA
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Dec 20Campbell, CA
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Jan 06Santa Cruz, CA
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Jan 11Santa Rosa, CA
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Jan 12Loleta, CA
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Jan 13Lakeport, CA
discography
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Jun 2023 -
Jan 2023 -
May 2022 -
Mar 2022