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Be Yourself​.​.​.​Unless You're An Idiot

by Phil Johnson of Roadside Attraction

  • Digital Album
    Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Phil's 2nd comedy special!
    You also get my newest ebook "Short Stories and Chicken Recipes".
    Purchasable with gift card

      $5 USD  or more

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  • T-Shirt/Apparel + Digital Album

    High quality t-shirts that say "Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot". Tell the world how you really feel!

    Comes in Small-XXXL and in four colors: Black, Gray, Heather Red, Blue.

    Click the "Include a message" link in the purchase box to let me know what color you'd like or I'll be happy to pick one for you.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 7 days

      $15 USD

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  • Phil's Newest Stand-Up Comedy DVD!
    * An hour of comedy and music including special bonus extra songs and jokes, a Q&A with Phil, and the Mystery Of The Red Shirt revealed!
    * Free audio CD included
    * Completely new material
    * Widescreen format.

    Includes unlimited streaming of Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 7 days

      $20 USD or more 

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  • Full Digital Discography Full Digital Discography

    Get all 46 Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Designer Babies, Do You Believe In Tragic?, Kitties and Boobs, Dodged A Bullet, Kissing In The Rain (2022 Remaster), Happiest Place On Earth, I'm Not Really In The Christmas Mood This Year (feat. Dave Leon), Burning Sensation: The San Diego Bootleg, and 38 more. , and , .

    Purchasable with gift card

      $56.13 USD or more (35% OFF)

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Introduction 00:18
Budget Pimp 00:39
Gangsta Pooh 01:28
State Hats 01:09
Truck Nuts 05:19
Hairless 00:46
Robots 00:40
Chinese Food 04:06
Baby we got a love life To shame all others You and me go great together Like chocolate and peanut butter But baby let's flip the script Change it up a little bit Let's have bad porno sex I'll leave my socks on for you Bad porno sex Wacka chuka wacka chuckety choo Bad porno sex will have you wrapped around my fingers Like a teenage runaway Banging a homely middle aged dude For money You'll be my lady I'll be your overly hairy man You are my baby I'll give you some bad meat in the can You'll have a spray on tan Let's have bad porno sex I'll cut a hole in the pizza box Bad porno sex Wacka chuka when the pizza boy knocks Bad porno sex in a nondescript hotel room You're a straight F college girl I'm a morally ambiguous Professor Let's pretend that you just got some really bad plastic boobs Nipples that point in the wrong direction get me harder than a Rubik's Cube You be the housewife and I'll be the plumber that snakes your drain Let's have bad porno sex We'll flop around til our interest wanes Bad porno sex At least the sheets won't have any stains Bad porno sex will leave us both unsatisfied Which really only means we'll have to do it again But after South Park Cuz baby I don't miss my South Park For nothing Yeah I really like when little Cartman goes "Hey, Screw you guys!" I really think that's funny And right now that's more entertaining Than your vagina But when Kenny's dead I'll bend you over For some bad porno sex
I saw a lady by the bar Didn't look so bad She only had one eye Baby that's my bag I never know what I'm gonna get Might get lucky and get a hairlip Yeah her hair is held up with a roach clip Damn that's classy I like 'em five and below Get 'em drunk and they're good to go Back at my place it's time to show What a two can do for you I spot a little hottie with her leg in a cast I think I got a chance cuz she can't run that fast v What do you know, she's drunk too She might not even wake up before I'm through A little snoring won't keep me from what I do Oh hell yeah I like 'em five and below Like a fifty cent stripper show I'll do you then quid pro quo Was that word too big for you? Let me show you what a two What a two can do for you Ooh baby, that moo-moo's hot You'll get your turn if you play my flop I don't care if you're covered in spots The bartender wants to go home I like 'em five and below I like a girl who does the hammer throw A hairy back makes my hammer grow Just as long as she ain't a dude Let me show you what a two What a two can do for you
You don't have to be anorexic like a teenage pop star And it's totally cool if you've got some scars If you want to be sure that you'll wed Play the Imperial March when he comes to bed He'll be the world's most perfect suitor When he sees the tattoo of Captain Kirk on your hooters With a geek buy your side Even if your butt is wide You can roll with pride through the Ren Faire With a geek you'll be fine You can look like Frankenstein He will not decline You're the answer to his prayers Cuz geeks don't care If you dress like slave girl Princess Leia There's a really good chance that he'll wanna lay ya On a king size bed with Harry Potter sheets Call him Lord Vader when he skeet skeet skeets Always tell him that he's your guitar here You'll be his final fantasy With a geek you’ll be glad Cuz baldness ain’t so bad Sigourney Weaver looked totally rad In Alien with no hair Cuz geeks don’t care. With a geek you’ll be on track Even with your hairy back He’ll supply you with what you lack A lifetime supply of Nair. He’s a five, you’re a five Together you’re a ten Some hot geek love Is set to begin With a geek you’ll be hot It’s just a little jungle rot Just flash a little coin slot And he’ll forget it’s there With a geek life is good If you’re breathing he’ll get wood Lepers are misunderstood You’re just a crusty teddy bear Cuz geeks don’t care.
Buy My Shit 03:15
You've been a wonderful wonderful crowd The kind that makes a performer's heart just sing We've had laughter, we've had tears We faced down all of our fears So I only need to say this one last thing Buy my shit I've got CDs and t-shirts, DVDs and panties You can wear my face in all your nooks and crannies Buy my shit I've got mouse pads and mugs I can even get you drugs Like aspirin and immodium Please just buy a modicum of my shit It's not the kind that comes from a butt It's more like my blood, sweat, tears, and guts If you say no I'll say tut tut tut I bet you'd rather buy some stupid Phil Johnson truck nuts Buy my shit If you're here on a date and you're courting a young maid It's safe than the beer, it'll still get you laid Buy my shit It's got super magic powers It makes money grow on trees It'll make you rich and famous Oh no wait, that's me Buy my shit You'll have fun It's not a joke I've got a gun It's the cure for gout, crabs, heart disease, and zits Because I can't be funny if I've got no money Buy my shit


Being human is a constant struggle between defining ourselves as individuals and trying to fit in with “the group”...
Phil Johnson, who has appeared at the Sundance Film Festival and the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, uses comedy and music to dissect that dilemma in both his own life and others.

In pieces like “Vertical Eyebrows”, “Gangsta Pooh”, and “State Hats” Phil discusses the challenges and rewards of being different and proud of it. Though sometimes people misplace their self-worth into meaningless objects like in “Truck Nuts”.

But we also have to be concerned with how we relate to the thoughts and feelings of others around us. From dealing with new social issues (“Robots” and “Gay Children’s Books”) to keeping the relationship fire alive (“Bad Porno Sex” and “Geeks Don’t Care”).

Phil Johnson, like everyone else, sometimes gets it and sometimes wonders what the heck people are thinking. On stage his playful humor and likeable, endearing manner allow him to shake things up without antagonizing the audience. In the end we can only be who we are, try to understand others, and hope they understand us.


released August 25, 2010




Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more


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