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Do You Believe In Tragic?

by Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction

/
1.
Alarm Clock 00:33
Wake up WAKE UP!! WAKE UP YOU LAZY BASTARD!
2.
Traffic 00:34
Sitting in traffic, blowing my horn Been an hour since I moved an inch I'm a caring person, but I'm late for work So somebody better be dead.
3.
Dance Craze 00:19
There's a brand new dance craze sweeping the nation It's called Stare At Your Phone and Avoid Eye Contact
4.
Zoo 00:17
Let's all go to the zoo Let's all go to the zoo We'll see monkeys and tigers and elephants too Let's all watch them poo
5.
You can do it You'll be great You got the power within you To be the annointed But don't screw it up and incur the wrath On my disappointment
6.
Stardust 00:36
Let me brush the stardust from your hair Heaven's clouds obscure you from my eyes And since you've been so high So high up in the sky I'll clean the carbon dioxide from your ears
7.
Brush your teeth Brush your teeth Brush them two times every day Maybe just one extra if you have a midday lay Brush your teeth Brush your teeth Brush them two times every day Ladies get one extra, yes, right after the BJ
8.
She's So 00:25
She's so hot, she registers in Scovilles. She's so cool she registers low Kelvins. She's so stacked she registers in parsecs. She's so deep, she registers in fathoms. She's so... confusing... Honestly. There's a lot of math
9.
She sparkles with anticipation on her summer wedding day. But leftover from her bachelorette party, carefully hidden away, is a tiny plastic penis in her hair.
10.
Time 00:25
Yeah, you know what time it is! Yeah, you know what time it is! Oh, do you know what time it is? Do you really know what time it is? Time is a man-made perspective that doesn't exist at the quantum level.
11.
Go sports team! Go sports team! Go sports team, rah, rah, rah I hope your team wins so you're not an whiny Annoying bastard tomorrow!
12.
Got my motor runnin' and I'm hittin' the wide open road. Damn, I forgot my wallet. Hang on. Be right back. Ok, let's tear the up the miles and see the world. And ok, wait, I should go to bathroom first. Hang on. Did you pack the extra sunscreen? I told you like three times to pack the sunscreen. Ok, here we go, freedom awaits. No, come on, don't drink coffee. You know what coffee does to you We're gonna have to stop in like 20 miles for another pee break. Alright let's see if we can get out of the driveway. How are you asleep already? We're still on the same street. At least I don't have to listen to your crappy music. Yeah, of course we're here. It was only an half hour drive to your mom's house.
13.
She said The romance is dead. It's just not the same anymore. He walked into the room and said "Honey, who ya talking to?" She said, The Walking Dead. This show just kind of sucks now.
14.
She sits crying on the curb. Mascara running down her face. Wondering how she reached this place. He sits cuffed in the back seat. Flashing lights upon his face. He never should have sang Ace of Base at the toughest karaoke bar in Texas.
15.
Donkey 00:15
A donkey's not a mule and a mule's not a donkey. But you're still an ass.
16.
If you've got a baby on board I don't care. It won't keep me from laying out a tack strip To take you out in a high speed chase. Because your baby on board don't matter when you've robbed a bank.
17.
Truth 00:17
The truth shall set you free. Unless the truth is that you murdered some one. In that case the truth shall send you to jail.
18.
Maxed Out 00:36
I maxed out my credit cards because I loved you. And I can't believe that you don't even care. The collection agencies keep on calling. But I'm letting them pay for your new pair... of fake boobs.
19.
You have to stop and smell the flowers once in awhile. Until a little bee just doing its job accidentally flies into your hair. And then you freak the fuck out and run in small circles screaming "oh my god! It's in my hair! Get it out! Get it out!" The little bee is freaking out cuz it's in a giant forest yelling Get me out! Get me out! Get me out! Get me out! And when you get the two of you all finally separated it's like an amicable divorce. It was good for both of you but you're still a little damaged.
20.
Super Mood 00:51
I woke up in a super mood Ready to hit my goals. Grab a cup of coffee and my hazmat suit and Head out the door. The fires in the sky look pretty today. Fending off mutant squirrels is just child's play. The howling gas winds are in harmonia. It's a wonderful day in our little dystopia.
21.
The Devil 00:27
The Devil appeared to me and said "hey, do you wanna do a bad thing?" I said "Nah." He said "Alright then," and disappeared. And I was like "Man, the Devil's gotten lazy."
22.
If you think it you can do it. If you like it you can screw it. Just as long as it's all legal. You can get down all spread eagle. Put it in and take it out. But be prepared like a boy scout. Cuz no matter what you're craving You must avoid the chafing.
23.
Pump It Up 00:24
Pump, pump it up. Get down and shake your butt. Try not to think about your parents' disappointment.
24.
Take your time. Do you best. Pay attention to the details. Ever patient, working hard, with the wind behind your sails. And you'll still come in 2nd place to a dude with more money.
25.
Sherlock Holmes was a master of all logic. But somehow couldn't find a better hat.
26.
He answered the phone. I said I need a large pepperoni and sausage. He said Sir, this is 911. Do you have an emergency. I said, yeah, I need a large pepperoni and sausage.
27.
Midnight. Jack in the Box. I ordered up a burger then stood back to wait. 12:03. He came in. Stinking drunk. And ordered two of everything. "No, really sir. What do you want to order?" He said "Two of everything!" She said, "No, seriously, sir. What do you want to… " "Two of everything!" Two of everything! And I took my food and left before they could make me a fry cook.
28.
She locked eyes with me And asked me my name And I knew nothing would ever be the same. It was love at first sight And I knew I was right When 5 minutes later she called out my name. Venti hot chocolate for Bill. How cute, she's playing, She knows my name's Phil. Venti hot chocolate for Bill. Nobody's perfect. I said, "My name's Phil." She said "whatever" and walked away.
29.
Swan Song 00:42
This is my swan song.
30.
I went toward the white light when I found I was dead. But I must have done wrong because they sent me south instead. And at Hell's orientation I found out what's in store. An eternity of pain. All this and more. Kale for every meal Cake that tastes like dirt. Spending every day talking to a bunch of QAnon jerks. They gave me a laptop but it's only got a tape drive. The radio only plays fucking Maroon 5. Every day begins with me asking "Hey, what's that smell?" It's just another day in my personal hell.

about

The shortest concept album of all time! 30 songs in 18 minutes. And it's comedy.

The story follows a man and woman who fall madly in love, experience domestic boredom, commit hella crimes, divorce... and then things really go sideways.

credits

released January 6, 2023

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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more

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