Get all 45 Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.
Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of Do You Believe In Tragic?, Kitties and Boobs, Dodged A Bullet, Kissing In The Rain (2022 Remaster), Happiest Place On Earth, I'm Not Really In The Christmas Mood This Year (feat. Dave Leon), Burning Sensation: The San Diego Bootleg, Sweat Pants, and 37 more.
1. |
Alarm Clock
00:33
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Wake up
WAKE UP!!
WAKE UP YOU LAZY BASTARD!
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2. |
Traffic
00:34
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Sitting in traffic, blowing my horn
Been an hour since I moved an inch
I'm a caring person, but I'm late for work
So somebody better be dead.
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3. |
Dance Craze
00:19
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There's a brand new dance craze sweeping the nation
It's called Stare At Your Phone and Avoid Eye Contact
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4. |
Zoo
00:17
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Let's all go to the zoo
Let's all go to the zoo
We'll see monkeys and tigers and elephants too
Let's all watch them poo
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5. |
You Can Do It!
00:20
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You can do it
You'll be great
You got the power within you
To be the annointed
But don't screw it up and incur the wrath
On my disappointment
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6. |
Stardust
00:36
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Let me brush the stardust from your hair
Heaven's clouds obscure you from my eyes
And since you've been so high
So high up in the sky
I'll clean the carbon dioxide from your ears
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7. |
Brush Your Teeth
00:35
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Brush your teeth
Brush your teeth
Brush them two times every day
Maybe just one extra if you have a midday lay
Brush your teeth
Brush your teeth
Brush them two times every day
Ladies get one extra, yes, right after the BJ
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8. |
She's So
00:25
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She's so hot, she registers in Scovilles.
She's so cool she registers low Kelvins.
She's so stacked she registers in parsecs.
She's so deep, she registers in fathoms.
She's so... confusing... Honestly. There's a lot of math
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9. |
Summer Wedding
00:35
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She sparkles with anticipation on her
summer wedding day.
But leftover from her bachelorette party,
carefully hidden away,
is a tiny plastic penis in her hair.
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10. |
Time
00:25
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Yeah, you know what time it is!
Yeah, you know what time it is!
Oh, do you know what time it is?
Do you really know what time it is?
Time is a man-made perspective that doesn't exist at the quantum level.
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11. |
Go Sports Team!
00:19
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Go sports team!
Go sports team!
Go sports team, rah, rah, rah
I hope your team wins so you're not an whiny
Annoying bastard tomorrow!
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12. |
Hittin' The Road
01:26
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Got my motor runnin' and I'm hittin' the wide open road.
Damn, I forgot my wallet. Hang on. Be right back.
Ok, let's tear the up the miles and see the world.
And ok, wait, I should go to bathroom first. Hang on.
Did you pack the extra sunscreen? I told you like three times to pack the sunscreen.
Ok, here we go, freedom awaits.
No, come on, don't drink coffee. You know what coffee does to you
We're gonna have to stop in like 20 miles for another pee break.
Alright let's see if we can get out of the driveway.
How are you asleep already? We're still on the same street.
At least I don't have to listen to your crappy music.
Yeah, of course we're here. It was only an half hour drive to your mom's house.
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13. |
The Romance Is Dead
00:53
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She said The romance is dead.
It's just not the same anymore.
He walked into the room and said
"Honey, who ya talking to?"
She said, The Walking Dead.
This show just kind of sucks now.
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14. |
A Bad Night In Texas
00:37
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She sits crying on the curb.
Mascara running down her face.
Wondering how she reached this place.
He sits cuffed in the back seat.
Flashing lights upon his face.
He never should have sang Ace of Base at the toughest karaoke bar in Texas.
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15. |
Donkey
00:15
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A donkey's not a mule and a mule's not a donkey. But you're still an ass.
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16. |
Baby On Board
00:19
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If you've got a baby on board I don't care.
It won't keep me from laying out a tack strip
To take you out in a high speed chase.
Because your baby on board don't matter when you've robbed a bank.
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17. |
Truth
00:17
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The truth shall set you free.
Unless the truth is that you murdered some one.
In that case
the truth shall send you to jail.
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18. |
Maxed Out
00:36
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I maxed out my credit cards because I loved you.
And I can't believe that you don't even care.
The collection agencies keep on calling.
But I'm letting them pay for your new pair... of fake boobs.
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19. |
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You have to stop and smell the flowers once in awhile.
Until a little bee just doing its job accidentally flies into your hair.
And then you freak the fuck out and run in small circles screaming "oh my god! It's in my hair! Get it out! Get it out!"
The little bee is freaking out cuz it's in a giant forest yelling Get me out! Get me out! Get me out! Get me out!
And when you get the two of you all finally separated it's like an amicable divorce.
It was good for both of you but you're still a little damaged.
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20. |
Super Mood
00:51
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I woke up in a super mood
Ready to hit my goals.
Grab a cup of coffee and my hazmat suit and
Head out the door.
The fires in the sky look pretty today.
Fending off mutant squirrels is just child's play.
The howling gas winds are in harmonia.
It's a wonderful day in our little dystopia.
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21. |
The Devil
00:27
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The Devil appeared to me and said
"hey, do you wanna do a bad thing?"
I said "Nah."
He said "Alright then," and disappeared.
And I was like "Man, the Devil's gotten lazy."
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22. |
Think It! Do It!
00:22
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If you think it you can do it.
If you like it you can screw it.
Just as long as it's all legal.
You can get down all spread eagle.
Put it in and take it out.
But be prepared like a boy scout.
Cuz no matter what you're craving
You must avoid the chafing.
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23. |
Pump It Up
00:24
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Pump, pump it up.
Get down and shake your butt.
Try not to think about your parents' disappointment.
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24. |
Take Your Time
00:33
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Take your time. Do you best.
Pay attention to the details.
Ever patient, working hard,
with the wind behind your sails.
And you'll still come in 2nd place
to a dude with more money.
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25. |
Sherlock Holmes
00:24
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Sherlock Holmes was a master of all logic.
But somehow couldn't find a better hat.
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26. |
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He answered the phone.
I said I need a large pepperoni and sausage.
He said Sir, this is 911. Do you have an emergency.
I said, yeah,
I need a large pepperoni and sausage.
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27. |
Two Of Everything
00:46
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Midnight.
Jack in the Box.
I ordered up a burger then stood back to wait.
12:03. He came in.
Stinking drunk. And ordered two of everything.
"No, really sir. What do you want to order?"
He said "Two of everything!"
She said, "No, seriously, sir. What do you want to… "
"Two of everything!"
Two of everything!
And I took my food and left before they could make me a fry cook.
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28. |
Love At First Sight
00:53
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She locked eyes with me
And asked me my name
And I knew nothing would ever be the same.
It was love at first sight
And I knew I was right
When 5 minutes later she called out my name.
Venti hot chocolate for Bill.
How cute, she's playing,
She knows my name's Phil.
Venti hot chocolate for Bill.
Nobody's perfect.
I said, "My name's Phil."
She said "whatever" and walked away.
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29. |
Swan Song
00:42
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This is my swan song.
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30. |
My Personal Hell
01:13
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I went toward the white light when I found I was dead.
But I must have done wrong because they sent me south instead.
And at Hell's orientation I found out what's in store.
An eternity of pain.
All this and more.
Kale for every meal
Cake that tastes like dirt.
Spending every day talking to a bunch of QAnon jerks.
They gave me a laptop but it's only got a tape drive.
The radio only plays fucking Maroon 5.
Every day begins with me asking "Hey, what's that smell?"
It's just another day in my personal hell.
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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas
Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more
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