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Rudolph the Blood Soaked Reindeer

by Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction



A modern version of the classic story in which Rudolph, sick of being bullied, acquires firearms and plans to make his presence violently known. But does he actually do it?


From the time he was young he was bullied and teased
For something not his fault, some weird recessive gene
That made his nose glow red like a drunk on a binge
He never fit in so he hung out with the fringe

Like a creepy little elf who had a thing for teeth
And his codependent doe he called Clarice
Her real name was Shawna but he didn't give a damn
His favorite film was Silence of the Lambs

One day after getting his ass kicked again
He was sullen and angry and began to plan
Hit the internet to order guns and weed
And said the shit hits the fan on Christmas Eve

The night was foggy, perfect time to attack
He polished his AK and toked on some crack
And Rudolph with his nose so bright
Is gonna make Hell rain down tonight

Rudolph isn't taking shit anymore
And there won't be anymore reindeer games
Heads are gonna split when he settles the score
And the entire North Pole goes up in flames
He's Rudolph the Blood Soaked Reindeer

We can't fly in this fog, Santa glumly explained
As Rudolph lay behind a snow bank, rifle tightly aimed
When Santa looked down and saw the red dot on his chest
An idea sprang to mind and he said to the rest...

Someone go get that little red-nosed bastard and tell him to get off his ass and do something useful for once. That stupid nose of his cuts through fog like my dick through and elf's asshole.

And Rudolph paused and peered at Santa's smug little face
He could prove his worth and come back from disgrace
He lay his rifle in snow, slipped into his hitch
Took his place at the front and yelled "Yeah Bitch!"

As the soared through the sky to Versailles and Shanghair
The bomb in the toy shop blew the elves sky high
Best of both worlds far as Rudolph could tell
Front of the pack, still blew the place straight to hell

Rudolph isn't taking shit anymore
Now he rules the Pole with a strong pimp hand
Santa and the rest are his personal whores
And now he's only out to enhance his brand

With cheap foreign goods at rock bottom prices
Cutting mom and pop shops into little slices
Paying minimum wage to support his vices
He's Rudolph the Blood Soaked CEO
Of Walmart


released December 1, 2013
Photo © Copyright Walter Baxter and licensed for reuse under a Creative Commons License




Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more


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