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The perils of club clothes and a better, more comfortable, but still sexy solution. And a satire of 80's-style rock dude mansplaining.

I was working on this song when Eddie Van Halen passed away. Since I'd already been playing with a David Lee Roth-type character in my head for the lead vocal I thought "What if I just did this like a lost Van Halen track?"

lyrics

Put your leisurewear in the air!

She wore six inch stiletto heels
And a tight ass mini skirt
I looked at her and though "ooh damn!
That looks like it kinda hurts"

Put on some sweat pants
Sweat pants and fuzzy slippers
Put on some sweat pants
They still fit tight and your butt still looks nice
But you won't have to walk like you're walking on ice
Sweat pants

I could see some impetigo
Because spandex don't absorb sweat (Sweat!)
She's gonna end up with Achilles Tendonitis
Cuz heels that high are a threat

Put on some sweat pants
Sweat pants and Nixon slippers
Put on some sweat pants
Sweat pants and Hugh Grant slippers
Put on some sweat pants
No pulling it down or sucking it in
Cuz wrinkled up it's looking like an old foreskin
S-S-S-Sweat pants


Bridge
I stood there in that club with my friend Earl Boberle
And I said "Hey Earl"
And he said "What?"
I said "Hey Earl, you see that pretty lady over there in the high heels and the miniskirt?"
He said "Indeed I do."
I said, "Earl, do you see how she has to keep pulling that skirt down so her charms don't fall out and cause the internet to fall about in hysterics?"
He said "Indeed, I do."
I said "You know, Earl, you know what that's doing to her feet and her lower back?"
He said "Indeed, I do."
I said, "Earl, I think I should go tell her about it maybe."
He said, "Indeed you should."
So I sashayed on over to this chiropractor's dream and I said, "Baby!"
She said "What?"
I said "Baaaby!"
She said "What?"
I said "Baaaaaaby!"
She said "Are you deaf? What do you want?"

Put on sweat pants
Sweat pants and Thanos slippers
Put on some sweat pants
Sweat pants and Gollum slippers
Put on some sweat pants
Legs at four and eight instead of six and six
Power stance, no money spent on blister sticks
S-S-S-Sweat Pants

100% pre-shrunk cotton, baby!

credits

released September 24, 2021

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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more

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