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My friend asked me to write a song for her baby shower... Her mistake.

Usually songs cycle in an out of my shows as new stuff comes in. But ever since I released the original Dodged A Bullet in 2012 it's been a consistent part of the set list. Even the toughest audiences will laugh with me on this one.

After listening back to the original recording I decided it could be improved. So this is a resung, remixed, and remastered version. With new cover art just for fun.


Little baby you were brought here through a miracle
And a broken condom
I didn't know sperm carried knives
And somehow you got by the IUD
The diaphragm, the spermacide, and a morning after pill

But if daddy hadn't been so drunk
And mommy hadn't run out of batteries
If daddy pulled out on time
Instead of thinking 'bout Angelina Jolie
Then baby you wouldn't be here
You've have been wiped up with a towel

Little baby, will you new life be a happy one
Or will you make your money
Putting sausage between your buns
Will you be a great man
Who makes peace for all the land
Or the type of guy who lures kids
Into a big white cargo van

And since you're really scary
I'm really glad that you're not mine
And I guess I'm pretty happy
That your mommy cheated on me this time
So go ahead and be
Just as evil as you want to be
Hell yes, I dodged that bullet and I'm free.


released March 25, 2022
Lyrics, Music, and Production by Phil Johnson


all rights reserved



Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more


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