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If I were a girl for even just one day I'd be the kind of girl that's making her own way in life With some power and some class I'd be kind and generous with just a little class But chances are I'd never leave home Cuz I got boobs and a hoo hoo And nothing really better to do than me With a Magic Wand from Hitachi My friends would always ask me why my clothes are all askew And I'd be digging in my pockets like I was a kangaroo Cuz nature will have blessed me with a man in a canoe I've got boobs and hoooo hoooo! If I were a girl things would be so clear I'd spend a couple hours just standing over a mirror for fun Try to make it smile then frown Dye the hair a rainbow, dress it up like a clown Cuz now it's a two-ring circus in my pants Cuz I got boobs and a hoo hoo And nothing really better to do than me With a bunny that takes batteries I'd have to try and figure how to get inside a bra It'll probably end up backwards and I'll rub my nay-nays raw So throw it in the trash and flaunt them in their big debut I've got boobs and hoooo hoooo! I'd probably be a lesbian Because most of them Ok, some of them Alright a few of them Are less hairy than men Maaaan Please... If I were a girl, I'd never wear no panties Pure man tease, go hiking in the Andes With nothing but a bra "It's Freezing!" You're dead right Cold temperature activates the headlights 'Cuz men get hypnotized by the hips and thighs Boobies and the hoo hoo, that's the big surprise Get the mansion and the yacht and never give up what I got I'm ON top of the WORLD!! I'd be like all the other girls... Damn! If I were a girl I'd call up all the dudes I'd say "Come over man! You've got to see my hooters! They're huge!" I'm having trouble standing up I don't even know if Playtex makes a G-cup And where the hell am I bleeding from? I don't want boobs or a hoo hoo I never knew how much it blew to be excited about potpourri My stomach is all crampy and my butt is getting huge And I'd love to kill the bastard that invented high heeled shoes I had plans to teach my south mouth how to blow on a kazoo But I don't want boobs or a hoo hoo It's too much trouble! What are you staring at you pervert? Why are you leaving me? Don't leave me and my...! If you leave the toilet seat up again you're not getting anymore... You never bring me flowers for my....! Oprah says you're an asshole and a...! Don't you love me anymore and my...?! I NEED CHOCOLATE!!!!!


What started out as a parody idea for Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy", morphed into something else completely.

This is the story of what would happen if I woke up one morning as a woman. Yes, same hair.


released April 28, 2013

Words and Music by Phil Johnson
Additional Lyrics by Tah Phrum Duh Bush




Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more


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