What Color Is Your Laugh?

by Phil Johnson of Roadside Attraction

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  • Streaming + Download

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Phil's First Stand-Up Comedy DVD!
    * 65 minutes of stand-up comedy and music!
    * Features lots of previously unreleased songs
    * Widescreen format
    Includes the video of the entire show in MP4 format. A separate download link will arrive with your audio files to get it. You also get my newest ebook "Short Stories and Chicken Recipes".

      $8 USD  or more

     

  • Phil's First Stand-Up Comedy DVD!
    * 65 minutes of stand-up comedy and music!
    * Features lots of previously unreleased songs
    * Widescreen format

    Includes unlimited streaming of What Color Is Your Laugh? via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.
    ships out within 7 days

      $20 USD

     

  • Full Digital Discography

    Get all 27 Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction releases available on Bandcamp and save 35%.

    Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality downloads of I Wanna Rock (Socially Responsibly), Until We Both Drop Dead, The Legend of Ms Garcia, Kissing In The Rain, Pretty From The Back (Album and Film), Super Dan, Rudolph the Blood Soaked Reindeer, Here Comes My Baby, and 19 more. , and , .

      $40.95 USD or more (35% OFF)

     

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about

Phil's first stand-up comedy DVD! From gay NASCAR drivers to modern day pirates to the seedy underbelly of the world's most beloved theme park, Phil takes aim at subjects that some people hold very dear... and other people totally don't understand. Includes previously unreleased songs!

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released September 15, 2008

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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more

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Track Name: Get Any
As I step through the door
I can see the look in her eyes
It's a look I see more and more
To see it nearly makes me cry
And it doesn't take much reading
To really know the meaning of a look that says

You're not gonna get any tonight
I'm really mad at you
Hell no we ain't gonna screw
And you're not gonna get any tonight

Her lips said no
But here eyes
Yeah her eyes
Said no too

I'm sorry baby
I never meant you harm
I said as I stepped up towards her
To hold her in my arms
I think she missed my meaning
I knew I'd take the fall
As she brought her eyes up towards mine
And kicked me in the balls

And said
You're not gonna get any tonight
Cuz until you get a clue
I'm gonna let your balls be blue
And you're not gonna get any tonight

Didn't know what I'd done
I was hard at work all day
Even carried groceries for a nun
Helped a man with his toupee
Bought us tickets to the ballet
And a play in Monterey
Took a trip to Comp USA
Cleaned out my car's ashtray
Took my dose of vitamin K
For lunch I had a fish fillet
And a small glass of Cabernet
Then I wrote out a long essay
And a Mexican called me ese
But much to my dismay
She had a different day

And I think I missed her meaning
I knew there'd be some pleading for a point
And she said to me

I had a dream about you last night and you were in a hot top with three blonde women with big boobies...
And you liked it!

And you're not gonna get any tonight
Cuz my dream it seemed so real
I could club you like a baby seal
And you're not gonna get any
No lovin' til summer, not even a hummer
And you're not gonna get any tonight.
Track Name: Happiest Place On Earth
I took an early plane at 7:45
I drove up to the gate of that gleam in Mickey's eye
Gave the parking guy my wallet
And he sucked that puppy dry
Guess I'll hit the ATM inside of the

Happiest place on earth
Where any discount that they offer is just a little joke
And you have to get a bank loan for a churro and a coke
Mickey's got a strong pimp hand
At Disneyland

I strolled on through the gates of this wondrous magic place
And I was met by a mouse up in my face
And I know his name is Mickey
But his palms are a little sticky
Now my wallet's gone without a trace
Goddamn rat

At the happiest place on earth
Where all the birds look like they're talking
And plastic flowers bloom
Cuz Goofy's selling roofies inside the Tiki Room.
Mickey's got a strong pimp hand
At Disneyland

All I wanted was a t-shirt
Why oh why does my butt hurt?
Minnie Mouse is a big flirt
Just put the money on the dresser
And if you can't pay your way in
Be aware of Mickey's hit men
There's seven of the little kin
Dopey, Grumpy, Bashful, Sleepy, Sneezy, Doc, and Trigger Happy

I stepped onto a boat to hear the children sing
It's A Small World is such a sweet refrain
Then I saw something that had me quite confused
A bunch of them were making tennis shoes

At the happiest place on earth
Where you lose all of your money playing cards with Donald Duck
And for just a little honey Winnie the Pooh will give you a good....
Mickey's got a strong pimp hand
At Disneyland
Don't end up in a shallow grave by a murderous little dwarf
At Disneyland
Track Name: Las Vegas
I'm driving down the I-1-5
Leaving those second rate joints behind
I'm headed straight for the glitz and glam
To flush my money right down the can

In Las Vegas
Where you can see the stars
In Las Vegas
You can snort coke with whores
Where bratty little rich kids can blow their whole inheritance
And proper Christian sisters rub shoulders with the heretics
Fat midwestern housewives can lose the college fund
To keep their little children dumb enough
To go to Vegas

There's no sight like a showgirl's dress
Or the sight of her big beautiful talent
I know how Vegas can affect your mood
Your dirty mind just thought of something rude

In Las Vegas
Where you can drink for free
In Las Vegas
You can get VD
And if you play your cards right she'll be your biggest fan
And yes that pretty hooker might just be a man
But it's just your Uncle Murray living out his dream
And hoping you don't tell your Aunt Doreen
In Las Vegas

In Las Vegas
Where it's really goddamn hot
In Las Vegas
If you're Tupac you just might get shot
Where a turn of the roulette can pay off all your bills
Or put you on the street using your oral skills
To try to get enough dough to get back home
Where you swear you never ever gonna go back to Vegas
Rotten Vegas
Cesspool Vegas
Kinda miss Vegas
When's the next flight back to Vegas
Turn the plane around
Track Name: LCW
If I could see with your eyes
If I could breathe with your lips
If I could love with your heart
Then I could start
To be just like you

A lying cheating whore
Who never does me right
Blows my friends on poker night
Only goes into my jeans to strip my wallet clean
You're a lying cheating whore

If I could dress like a slut
Make more home deliveries than Pizza Hut
If I could show my tits to every biker that passed
Then I'd have man boobs
And boy would that suck

But you're a lying cheating whore
Who's special cherry pie
Reminds me of a sewer line
Who drops trou at the drop of a hat
You'd make a good rat trap
You're a lying cheating whore

You'll never know
How hard I cried
When you said those
Three little words
It's too small

But you're a lying cheating whore
Whose hole is much too big
It's an archeological dig
They found the last poor schmuck
Who fell in when you fucked
You're a lying cheating whore

If I were drunk
You might still be hot
But only followed by a penicillin shot
Cuz you're a lying cheating whore
Track Name: Asshole
I know you've got aspirations of being the boss one day
Who put that stick up your ass anyway?
Poster boy for company castration
You grovel and you kiss the ground
Go deep, you just might make your whole face brown
Assistant manager, company boy, you sad pathetic fuck

You're an asshole
And I don't like you very much
That water cooler might look better stuck right up your butt
Cuz you're an asshole
I can't believe you're still employed
The company's public image must be one big hemorrhoid

You stick your nose deep in everyone's business
Well stay the hell out of mine
You know it'll come back to bite you in time
I might just tell everyone here tonight
That little thing I know about you
I caught you in the closet sniffing glue
And fellating a sheep in the copier room while the CEO that

Chorus

This song might offend a few
But hopefully no one in this room
But if you're not singing then it's true
That I'm singing this here song about you

Chorus
Track Name: You Make Me Feel (Like I Can Do Anything)
You make me feel like I could do anything
You make me feel like I could do anything
I could stick a lightsaber up Darth Vader's ass
Eat Taco Bell and never get gas
Stick my head in an alligator's jaw
But that would be fucking stupid
And you make me feel like I could do anything

I live just to see the twinkle in your eye
The same one you get watching a death row inmate die
But we might have more fun with some Spanish Fly

You make me feel like I can do anything
Make hot monkey love to you under the stars
Or in the back seat of your boss's new car
Touch little boys and get a Vatican pardon
Cuz nothing says holy like a priest with a hard on
And you make me feel like I can do anything

My day doesn't end til there's a smile on your face
Like beating that old lady to the best parking space
Like Adolph telling Eva about his master race

And you make feel like I could do anything
With you in my life I will always have joy
With you in my life I'll have no more hemorrhoids
You're Preparation H for my soul
And you make me feel like I can do anything

I feel so empowered
Like the world is my oyster
Like a creative genius
Who could find a rhyme for oyster
Is this song making you moister?

You make me feel like I could do anything
I could drive a monster
Through the front window of a Walmart
And kill a hundred white trash rednecks
How's that for ironic?
With you I can do anything
Like maybe
End my show