I Know I Shouldn't Say This, But​.​.​.

by Roadside Attraction

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There are things you'd love to say to people but feel you can't out of a sense of propriety. So, it's my job to say them for you. Here we investigate the cheating lovers, sexual fantasies, goth kids, and those idiot co-workers of yours.

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released July 1, 2006

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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more

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Track Name: LCW
If I could see with you eyes
If I could breathe with your lips
If I could love with your heart
Then I could start
To be just like you

Chorus
A lying cheating whore
Who never does me right
Blows my friends on poker
Only goes into my jeans to strip my wallet clean
You’re a lying cheating whore

If I could dress like a slut
Make more home deliveries than Pizza Hut
If I could show my tits to every biker that passed
Then I’d have man boobs
And boy would that suck

Chorus
But you’re a lying cheating whore
Who’s special cherry pie
Reminds me of a sewer line
Who drops trou at the drop of a hat
You’d make a good rat trap
You’re a lying cheating whore

You’ll never know
How hard I cried
When you said those three little words
… It’s too small

Chorus
But you’re a lying cheating whore
Who’s hole is much too big
It’s an archeological dig
They found the last poor schmuck
Who fell in when you fucked
You’re a lying cheating whore

If I were drunk
You might still be hot
But only followed by a penicillin shot
Cuz you’re a lying cheating whore.
Track Name: Horizontal Tango
I… I can’t live without you
My tears in a flood
Would drain all my blood
Without your love

And you… You can’t live without me
Your life would be bare
No one to pull your hair
While you’re down on your knees

Chorus
But let’s do the horizontal tango
Gonna take you home baby
Make you squeal like a pig
Let’s do the horizontal tango
Got my chips and whips
Swivelly hips and my creamy ranch dip
Let’s do the horizontal tango
You’re kinda freaky
Like a homeless guy, but cute

And you… You dance so divinely
Pressed up against me
Feeling ever so free
Wearing only whipped cream

And I… Can’t stand it much longer
I’ll have to stop you
For a minute or two
Or it’s over too soon

Chorus

Baby…..
This has never happened before
‘Cept with you….
But…

Chorus
Track Name: Asshole
I know you’ve got aspirations
Of being the boss one day
Who put that stick up your ass anyway
Poster boy for company castration
You grovel and you kiss the ground
Go deep you just might make your whole face brown
You’re the assistant manager company boy you sad pathetic fuck

Chorus
You’re and asshole
And I don’t like you very much
That water cooler might look better
Stuck right up your butt
Cuz you’re and asshole
I can’t believe you’re still employed
The company’s public image
Must be one big hemorrhoid
Cuz you’re an asshole
You’re an asshole Oh oh

You stick your nose deep in everyone’s business
Well stay the hell out of mine
You know it’ll come back to bite you in time
I might just tell everyone here tonight
That little thing I know about you
I saw you in the closet sniffing glue
And fellating a sheep in the copier room while the CEO tells you that

Chorus

You must be related to someone
It’s the only way you coulda got here
Underqualified, understatement of the year
A left handed rabid crack-head chimpanzee
Could do the job better than you
You could even screw up flinging poo
You’re the stupidest person that I’ve ever met
And I just wanna ring your goddamned neck

Chorus

This song might offend a few
But hopefully no one in this room
But if you’re not singing then it’s true
That I’m singing this here song about you

Chorus
Track Name: Hey Little Goth Girl
Hey little goth girl why you look so sad?
Did your little brother rip up your lace?
Silver spoon fall out your face?
Hey little goth girl why you look so sad?
Is death the only way out of this living hell?

Why evil princess, do you live in the dark?
Did your trust fund run out?
Crash your Beamer when you parked?

He little goth girl what’s the problem now?
Did your black lipstick plum run all out?
Satanic friends aren’t so devout?
Hey little goth girl what’s the problem now?
Maybe a little sun would help you out.

Why do you cry on the floor at the club?
Did you sit in some gum?
Latex pants start to rub?

Hey little goth girl why you look so sad?
Did your boyfriend get his pale ass beat?
Maid ask you to wipe your feet?
Hey little goth girl why you look so sad?
You’ve got the money get a therapist.
You’ve got the money get a therapist.
You’ve got the money, why are you so pissed?