• Includes unlimited streaming via the free Bandcamp app, plus high-quality download in MP3, FLAC and more.

    Get the full track plus and instrumental version for your karaoke pleasure and a bonus track from my DVD "Be Yourself...Unless You're An Idiot". Also includes the "If I Were A Girl" music video and an ebook called "Short Stories and Chicken Recipes".

     $1 USD  or more




What started out as a parody idea for Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy", morphed into something else completely.

This is the story of what would happen if I woke up one morning as a woman. Yes, same hair.


released April 28, 2013

Words and Music by Phil Johnson
Additional Lyrics by Tah Phrum Duh Bush




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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more


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Track Name: If I Were A Girl
If I were a girl for even just one day
I'd be the kind of girl that's making her own way in life
With some power and some class
I'd be kind and generous with just a little class
But chances are I'd never leave home

Cuz I got boobs and a hoo hoo
And nothing really better to do than me
With a Magic Wand from Hitachi
My friends would always ask me why my clothes are all askew
And I'd be digging in my pockets like I was a kangaroo
Cuz nature will have blessed me with a man in a canoe
I've got boobs and hoooo hoooo!

If I were a girl things would be so clear
I'd spend a couple hours just standing over a mirror for fun
Try to make it smile then frown
Dye the hair a rainbow, dress it up like a clown
Cuz now it's a two-ring circus in my pants

Cuz I got boobs and a hoo hoo
And nothing really better to do than me
With a bunny that takes batteries
I'd have to try and figure how to get inside a bra
It'll probably end up backwards and I'll rub my nay-nays raw
So throw it in the trash and flaunt them in their big debut
I've got boobs and hoooo hoooo!

I'd probably be a lesbian
Because most of them
Ok, some of them
Alright a few of them
Are less hairy than men

Maaaan Please...
If I were a girl, I'd never wear no panties
Pure man tease, go hiking in the Andes
With nothing but a bra
"It's Freezing!"
You're dead right
Cold temperature activates the headlights
'Cuz men get hypnotized by the hips and thighs
Boobies and the hoo hoo, that's the big surprise
Get the mansion and the yacht
and never give up what I got
I'm ON top of the WORLD!!
I'd be like all the other girls...

If I were a girl I'd call up all the dudes
I'd say "Come over man! You've got to see my hooters! They're huge!"
I'm having trouble standing up
I don't even know if Playtex makes a G-cup
And where the hell am I bleeding from?

I don't want boobs or a hoo hoo
I never knew how much it blew to be excited about potpourri
My stomach is all crampy and my butt is getting huge
And I'd love to kill the bastard that invented high heeled shoes
I had plans to teach my south mouth how to blow on a kazoo
But I don't want boobs or a hoo hoo

It's too much trouble!

What are you staring at you pervert?
Why are you leaving me? Don't leave me and my...!
If you leave the toilet seat up again you're not getting anymore...
You never bring me flowers for my....!
Oprah says you're an asshole and a...!
Don't you love me anymore and my...?!