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  • Phil's Newest Stand-Up Comedy DVD!
    * An hour of comedy and music including special bonus extra songs and jokes, a Q&A with Phil, and the Mystery Of The Red Shirt revealed!
    * Free audio CD included
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about

Bars always get really interesting about 5 minutes before closing when you get to watch the last desperate hook-ups of the night.

lyrics

I saw a lady by the bar
Didn't look so bad
She only had one eye
Baby that's my bag

I never know what I'm gonna get
Might get lucky and get a hairlip
Yeah her hair is held up with a roach clip
Damn that's classy

I like 'em five and below
Get 'em drunk and they're good to go
Back at my place it's time to show
What a two can do for you

I spot a little hottie with her leg in a cast
I think I got a chance cuz she can't run that fast v
What do you know, she's drunk too
She might not even wake up before I'm through
A little snoring won't keep me from what I do
Oh hell yeah

I like 'em five and below
Like a fifty cent stripper show
I'll do you then quid pro quo
Was that word too big for you?
Let me show you what a two
What a two can do for you

Ooh baby, that moo-moo's hot
You'll get your turn if you play my flop
I don't care if you're covered in spots
The bartender wants to go home

I like 'em five and below
I like a girl who does the hammer throw
A hairy back makes my hammer grow
Just as long as she ain't a dude
Let me show you what a two
What a two can do for you

credits

from Be Yourself​.​.​.​Unless You're An Idiot, released August 25, 2010

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about

Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more

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