You know when you get home at night after a long day and you offer up a warm embrace to your loved one? And they give you that special look that tells you exactly what kind of night it's going to be?


As I step through the door
I can see the look in her eyes
It's a look I see more and more
To see it nearly makes me cry
And it doesn't take much reading
To really know the meaning of a look that says

You're not gonna get any tonight
I'm really mad at you
Hell no we ain't gonna screw
And you're not gonna get any tonight

Her lips said no
But here eyes
Yeah her eyes
Said no too

I'm sorry baby
I never meant you harm
I said as I stepped up towards her
To hold her in my arms
I think she missed my meaning
I knew I'd take the fall
As she brought her eyes up towards mine
And kicked me in the balls

And said
You're not gonna get any tonight
Cuz until you get a clue
I'm gonna let your balls be blue
And you're not gonna get any tonight

Didn't know what I'd done
I was hard at work all day
Even carried groceries for a nun
Helped a man with his toupee
Bought us tickets to the ballet
And a play in Monterey
Took a trip to Comp USA
Cleaned out my car's ashtray
Took my dose of vitamin K
For lunch I had a fish fillet
And a small glass of Cabernet
Then I wrote out a long essay
And a Mexican called me ese
But much to my dismay
She had a different day

And I think I missed her meaning
I knew there'd be some pleading for a point
And she said to me

I had a dream about you last night and you were in a hot top with three blonde women with big boobies...
And you liked it!

And you're not gonna get any tonight
Cuz my dream it seemed so real
I could club you like a baby seal
And you're not gonna get any
No lovin' til summer, not even a hummer
And you're not gonna get any tonight.


from What Color Is Your Laugh?, released September 15, 2008




Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more


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