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A friend asked me to write a song for her new baby about the miracle of child-bearing. I said, "You haven't heard my songs before, have you?" Here we go...

lyrics

Little baby you were brought here through a miracle
And a broken condom
I didn't know sperm carried knives
And somehow you got by the IUD
The diaphragm, the spermicide, and a morning after pill

But if Daddy hadn't been so drunk
And Mommy hadn't run out of batteries
If Daddy pulled out on time
Instead of thinking 'bout Angelina Jolie
Then baby you wouldn't be here
You'd have been wiped up with a towel

Little baby will your new life be a happy one
Or will you make your money
Putting sausage between your buns
Will you be a great man
Who brings peace to all the land
Or the type of guy that lures kids into a big white cargo van

And since you're pretty scary
I'm really glad that you're not mine
And I guess I'm pretty happy
That your mommy cheated on me this time
So go ahead and be
Just as evil as you wanna be
Hell yes, I dodged that bullet and I'm free.

credits

from Dodged A Bullet, track released September 6, 2012

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Phil Johnson and Roadside Attraction Milpitas

Phil Johnson is a man who gets mistaken for a woman, but only by those not paying attention. That revelation kicks off a battle for self-awareness where comedy and music are the weapons of choice. It’s a battle that has taken Phil to such esteemed festivals as the Edinburgh Fringe and Sundance Film Festivals and the Top 8 Finals of the World Series of Comedy. ... more

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